Discover more from The Holy Loneliness Collective (english)
I already mentioned that Leo has been strangely quiet since our trip to Pandora's realm. As you know, she goes through periods of being cold and dismissive. To say the least. I've stopped worrying about it. But this time it's different. No poisonous words, no desire to hurt. She seems powerless and downcast and somehow brooding. As if the destructive impulse is turning inward this time.
It was not easy to get through to her. I mustered all my skill to create situations where we could have talked, but she avoided them with just as much perseverance. Yesterday I overheard her sneaking out of the house. Two streets away I caught up with her and then suddenly it was surprisingly easy to get her to talk. We took a turn towards the woods. No idea where she had been heading, but it didn't seem important anymore.
I asked about her experience in Pandora's realm. She sighed. 'It's been so long since I thought back on all that. About the time in the protectory. About our secret place. But when I ate the mushroom, I was suddenly there again. And everything was so clear, the colors so rich, almost more real than real. You were there, too.' She lowered her eyes. For a while she was silent, but then it burst out of her. 'Man, how come I'm always screwing things up? No matter what life throws at me, I'm sure as hell choosing the option that drags me deeper into this fucking vortex of shit I've been trying to swim out of for years. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can anyone be soooo messed up?'
I thought that was a remarkably accurate self-assessment, but of course I didn't say that. Tried instead to focus on the positive. Not all of her decisions had been bad. Breaking up with Keff, for example, had been a really good idea. But I knew for myself that it was a rather pathetic attempt. The truth is: I could very well empathize with the pain and futility that rumbled inside her. Nothing about it was wrong and I knew it.
I don't know if all of this makes sense to you. Probably a digression about times gone by would be appropriate at this point. About Leo and me, under which circumstances we met. And how we became what we are today. But it is a long and not always pleasant story. Would go beyond the scope here. And are you even interested in these things? I don't wanna bore you with my coming to terms with the past.