Out Of It

Aug 12, 2022

I have to apologize for not letting you hear from me for such a long time. To be honest, I was pretty out of it. I needed a few days away from everything.

A week ago today, Hans showed us the results of his experiments, as promised. Over the last weeks he had recorded parts of our rehearsals and tinkered with them in his nightly sessions - adding beats and sounds, recombining parts or manipulating them somehow. He seemed quite happy with the results and that really is saying something for Hans. The atmosphere was relaxed and an almost euphoric lightness was in the air.

Only I could not be a part of it. There it was again - that anxiety, that uneasiness, this time so overwhelming that I wasn't able to push it away. I just couldn't hear it. Couldn't hear myself singing. It was horrible. I just got up and left. Didn't show my face for the next few days. Didn't respond when someone knocked on my door, the whole routine. I just wanted to be alone with all the pain, emptiness and shame.

Of course, it was Leo who eventually got me out of that stupor. She can be damn persistent. I agreed to at least listen to it one more time. Didn't last long, though. It just doesn't sound... right. I hear my own voice and don't believe a word of what I'm singing. The others don't understand. Only Leo maybe a little. She thinks it might be the language. That I just can't be myself in English because it's not my mother tongue. Maybe she's right. But then I don't know what to do. I've tried singing in German now and then and that wasn't good at all.

Right now I don't know what to do. I've said from the beginning that I'm not a singer and just let the others talk me into it. Maybe I should be consistent now and make room for someone who can fill this role better. The rest of the band is strictly against it, of course. But maybe I'm just not the person they see in me. In any case, I can't go on like this. And since I have no idea what I could change, I don't know what to do anymore.