Discover more from The Holy Loneliness Collective (english)
Fire and Ocean
Okay, you guys really love taking risks....
I have to admit that I was secretly hoping you would stop me from touching Pandora's mushroom again. Be the voice of reason. But the opposite proved to be the case. Both on Instagram and in our newsletter, the vast majority thinks I should take Leo up on her offer and open the green door one more time. Since I saw that, my stomach has been pretty queasy.
The others weren't keen on the idea - to say the least. Till just shook his head. If I do this voluntarily, I shouldn't think he would help me get rid of any drudes or even worse creatures. And Jin straight up forbade it. 'We all agreed that we wouldn't touch Pandora's mushroom anymore, right? If we start making exceptions to that, we might as well have ourselves put in the nuthouse all together. No way!' She tightened the gaffa we had taped around the door and attached some of her hair in the door gap in such a way that it would definitely break if someone opened it.
To my surprise, Leo backed down right away. Said that the others were probably right - it was just too dangerous. But later, when the two of us were sitting in her room, she opened her hand and in it were two half-broken, shimmering turquoise mushrooms. I stared at her in confusion, but she just gave me a knowing grin. What was I supposed to do then? I would like to say that I resisted, but that would not be the truth. The mushroom meat tasted bitter and spicy, like licorice and clove pepper. It didn't take long for it to kick in.
It's hard for me to describe what I saw and felt over the next few hours. (Or was it just minutes?) How ever I put it, the essence doesn't seem to be contained, almost as if the way we divide the world with words has no validity in Pandora's realm. The air is thick and heavy there, almost like a liquid. Colors are wild and vibrant. Objects don't seem to have a solid form - they dissolve and meander under your eyes. As soon as you take a closer look at something, it changes, new shades emerge and suddenly a flower has become a Wolpertinger and in the next moment an old woman who laughs and laughs and laughs until her eyes bulge inwards and reveal a whole galaxy of colorful butterflies.
The wooden figure was also there again. My head was in its lap and it gently brushed my hair. And suddenly I knew that the wooden figure was Jin, but not only that. It was also Till. And Hans. And even I myself was the wooden figure. It sounds crazy, I know. And yet it was very clear to me at that moment. The feeling is hard to describe. As if the edges of one's self were crumbling like old toast, and suddenly the words 'I' and 'you' no longer have any meaning. And then the wooden figure's cheek was burning in bright flames and I felt the pain in my own face, blowing and trying to put out the fire. But the wooden figure just whispered, 'Take it easy, everything's fine. Don't worry.' And then I didn't worry anymore and the fire turned blue and cool and then into water, a whole ocean in which I swam and romped like a young dolphin.
And yes, I found the melody again. But there was a whole orchestra, everything around me was vibrating and humming and I was the conductor. I could direct and bend every element and every voice to my liking with a single movement of my hand. But at the same time I was also just a puppet, a mindless doll dancing in the current of the music, my limbs twitching and swaying under the force of the sound. It was a heavenly feeling to be at one with the music in such a way. But when I wanted to hold her, to capture her and take her with me into the real world, she turned black and sour and retreated into her shell. I called after her, assured that I didn't want to hold her captive, that I only wished to show her to the people in my world, that she could reign there as a queen, because no one had ever heard such beauty there. But dark clouds obscured my view and a deep rumbling shook the earth.
At this point my memory ends. When I awoke, I was not well. My head was pounding and my mouth felt like sandpaper. Something heavy was cutting off the blood in my right arm and it took me a while to realize that it was Leo lying on top of me, breathing warm and wet against my neck. For a while I just lay there until I found the energy to dig my way out from under her. She woke up, blinking unwillingly. I noticed that she was wearing my sweater. Only then did I realize that my chest was naked and painted all over with ballpen. Fine lines that merged into strange patterns and shapes and then drifted apart again. At that moment, it didn't seem so strange to me, but now I'm wondering how it came about. From Leo I got only a sheepish shrug. I'll probably never know, and maybe that's for the best.