Discover more from The Holy Loneliness Collective (english)
June 13, 2022
I know now what's been troubling Jin since her return. Yesterday evening she showed up at my door. We were supposed to meet for rehearsal. But I could see right away that nothing would come of it. Her gaze was very soft and translucent and something warm and pulsing flickered behind it.
We went out into the garden, then through the hole in the fence, between the rapeseed fields to the edge of the forest. Because of the many rains of the last weeks, the meadows lay lush and green in the evening twilight. Apparently, the impressions of the journey are not only getting to Jin, but even more to Masha. Since their return, she has been silent and dismissive. She has started drinking already at noon, neglecting her child. The images of destruction might have been bearable. But she can't cope with Denys' decision to stay there despite everything. What good is a husband who would rather stand in a hail of bombs with a machine gun in his hands than build a new life alongside his family? Still in the car on the way back, Masha apparently broke up with him by text message.
And Jin, of course, blames herself for everything. After all, she had pushed Masha to bring Denys to Germany. But instead of reuniting the family, she now helped to destroy it. The whole operation had simply been a huge mistake. How could she have been so naïve?
What should I have said? Yes, maybe it was naïve to drive into a war zone just like that, in the vague hope of getting a man out who actually wants to stay there. Maybe it was also a mistake not to plan the trip better and, above all, not to discuss it with Denys beforehand. But on the other hand, the boundless good will behind the whole endeavor is so beautiful that it brings tears to my eyes. Can someone who so obviously acts with the best of intentions be guilty of anything? That doesn't feel right to me.
I had a strong impulse to hug Jin, but I know she doesn't like to be touched when she's sad or angry. So I tried to comfort her with words. Said that no one can know how the story would have ended if they hadn't been driving. That the relationship must have already been fragile anyway. That it would certainly be better for Masha to break away from Denys to start over here with all her heart.
When we got back home, the sun had already set. The others had made a fire in the garden and were baking bread on a stick. No one said anything about the rehearsal we had missed. We sat down by the fire, ate bread and cherries, and ignored the soft thunder that announced the next thunderstorm from afar.